Is it really possible to have it all?

Ten years ago, if you would have asked me where I’d be today – what my life would look like – I would have said, married with two or three children, living comfortably in a quiet community and working towards the path to become a vice president of something in a flourishing career.  In my naïve mind, I would have gotten there seemingly effortlessly – without having to sacrifice either. But my God how things, and perspective for that matter, can change when time elapses and reality sets in.

At thirty one, I can honestly say that so far I have been extremely fortunate to have a full life. I’ve been able to travel (sometimes deciding at the eleventh hour to go), jam pack my schedule with serving the community and my church, and spend limitless time with friends and family. I’ve enjoyed a great career, blessed to be a part of a company that I have grown far beyond anything I could have expected; having been mentored – knowingly and sometimes not – by some of the most outstanding professionals you can imagine; and being able to truly say, “I love my job”. And in spite of all the wonderful opportunities I have been afforded, at times it seems what’s most important to me has somewhat eluded me.

I can remember about five years ago someone commenting about how career focused and ambitious I am. While that can (and should) be taken as a compliment, I can remember an emptiness that came over me when they said it, prompting me to ask myself, “Is that what people really think matters most to me? Is that what I am projecting?”

I know I tend to push myself to excel whenever I commit to anything – whether personally or professionally. And although I know that I am far from perfect, I am one of the most imperfect perfectionists there is. So it seems natural to me that when God gives me an opportunity to do anything, no matter how mundane it may seem to anyone else, I am going to do it to the absolute best of my abilities, no matter how much work, time, and energy it requires. But that doesn’t just apply to my career…that applies to every aspect of my life – including my family…especially my family.

But after the failure of my last relationship, I find myself at an impasse - looking at the professional and philanthropic opportunities He keeps bringing me to all while feeling the void next to me as I celebrate every milestone. It makes me wonder – is my singleness indicative of the value I’ve placed on that aspect of my life? Do I have the grace and tenacity to walk the tight rope that some society has defined as super women possess – successfully juggling motherhood, marriage, martyrdom, and career? Or will I have to choose? If so, am I willing to choose? Am I ready to choose?

 Is it even possible to have it all?

There’s courage behind the keyboard allowing me to say things I can’t seem to be able to verbalize. It’s funny though, because usually I’m not one of few words, but when it comes to you I always seem to get choked up. So for now, I’ll let the strokes speak…

I can still remember looking into the mirror of your eyes and seeing a reflection of myself. I could not have imagined that this would blossom into what it did. And I could not have imagined that you’d become to me what you did. My friend, my love, my future.

For the first time in my life, I wasn’t  afraid of vulnerability because I knew that I could trust you with me – my heart, my insecurities, my dreams. And for a time our future seemed so clear…so certain…so secure.

That is until uncertainty made it’s debut, accompanied by fear, escorted by doubt. The clarity of my reflection in your eyes began to fade. And the fearlessness of vulnerability that once was, now left me feeling exposed because I could no longer trust you with me – my heart, my insecurities, my dreams. The voice that once spoke so freely, so naturally, had been silenced. And now, all that remains are the memories of my friend, my love, and my failure.

Tonight I witnessed the worst accident I’ve ever seen in my life.

Today began like many others before – I got dressed… called my mom… went to work… nothing major or out of the ordinary. After work, I went to a networking mixer with some co-workers and friends. I stayed out a little later than I normally would, especially since I’d be traveling this weekend. I left the restaurant. Then I headed to the mall to pick up some last minute items for my sister’s wedding. I called my best friend, as I normally would after work, and began to make my way home. Because I hadn’t eaten, I decided to stop and get something to eat. I picked up my food and hit the last leg of my journey home. About 2 miles from my house a grey car pulls out abruptly onto the highway. He began to swerve and proceeded to drive in both lanes. I blew my horn signaling that he needed to correct his path. A few seconds passed and he had traveled nearly a mile – swerving and accelerating the entire way. I told my friend I was going to call her back because I needed to call the police – this man was driving erratically and was going to hit someone. I saw the light change to red. I heard the crash. I saw a truck go airborne. I saw a van spin. I saw the dust settle.

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“The two most important days of a person’s life – the day you were born and the day you discover why.”

There is no such thing as coincidence when it comes to your destiny. There’s no coincidence that the last two months my pastor has been ministering to us about the same thing - living in and on your purpose. There’s no coincidence that for the last two months the same song, by an artist I rarely listen to, has been replaying in mind serving as the background of everything I do.

“I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time. Know there was something that meant something that I left behind. When I leave this world, I’ll leave no regrets; leave something to remember, so they won’t forget – I was here.”(Beyonce’ “I Was Here”)

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Last night, time seemed to stand still.

I sat in my office with the intent to write – no music, no television, no cell phone… nothing… just me and my thoughts. And before I knew it, hours had passed, tears were streaming down my cheeks, and I had played back multiple scenes of my life over the last couple of years. I thought about the trials, and disappointments, and failures I’ve grown through. I thought about the success, the accomplishments, and joy I’ve experienced. And I laughed…because all of this reflection was triggered by a card I’d received last year for my birthday. I hadn’t seen it in months, perhaps because I had tucked it away purposefully to avoid remembering the memories attached to it. Yet somehow, it resurfaced, at the most unsuspected time and brought me to this place of reflection – reflection on how far I’ve come and how quickly life can change.

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It happened.

I never imagined I could feel this way.

I never thought I’d experience this type of joy… this type of friendship… this type of … Love.

Love.

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Starting over is never easy…

Especially when you have invested so much of yourself - your energy… your resources… your time.

Time, once spent, you can’t replace it, you can’t repeat it, and you definitely can’t retain it. Should have… would have…could have…wondering what if… means nothing standing against the fleeting hands of time.

Tick… tick… tick…

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“The only constant in the world is change…”

I looked up at the monitor in the airport terminal as it begin to flash, Now boarding - Flight 9814.  As I stood and began to collect my luggage, it seemed as though I could think or see nothing, but only hear a soulful voice repeatedly singing, “The only constant in the world is change.”

Change – something that is feared yet necessary for forward movement, and at this moment places me in a state of confusion – not because today, I am beginning a new life, a new career … but because for the first time, I am leaving the comfort of my safe place, my sanctuary, uprooted and unsure as to what lies ahead. 

 I glanced over at my mother whose eyes began filling with tears as a faint smile spread across her face. Unable to look closer, to look longer, I embraced her and reached for the last of my belongings.  As the tears began to stream from my eyes, I quickly turned away and headed for towards the gate. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Unable to answer, I just looked back.  Looking back, I realized that this is the day that every obstacle I’ve ever overcome, every trial I’ve ever faced, every lesson I’ve ever learned has prepared me for.  It finally became clear, my journey has begun…

It’s amazing how quickly things can change - how receiving a phone call from a friend you haven’t heard from in a while, can change from excitement to despair when they deliver the bad news of a friend’s passing. Or how getting a postcard in the mail can bring a smile to your face after having what seems to be one of the worst days you’ve had in a while. It’s funny how talking to a friend about their dreams can revive a dream of yours. Or how everything can seemingly be going so well, when something minor brings back a memory of a loved one whose life has ended too soon. How within a matter of hours you can go from having an amazing evening dancing with a friend, to spending the next with her in the hospital as she lay paralyzed. Or how the heartbreak or heartache of a loved one can way so heavy on you. How the birth of a child, the beauty of a union, or an extraordinary weekend with family can shine as a beacon of hope when it had been fading. But best of all, how much one sermon, one message, one Word from Him can totally change your perspective on everything.

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